Home alone.

This will be the first time since January 1998 that Ken, my beloved Husband, has not been in my life. And it is just over 3 days since he said "I love you" for the last time to me, and slipped away from me. I told him many, many times that in his next life he must find me earlier, so that we have more time to spend together - but before that can happen I have to join him in the afterlife first!!! And since I come from a family whose average age tends into the 80's, and I am just short of reaching the half-century mark, it is going to be a while before that can happen. Till then, I will just have to get on with life!

The funeral held for Ken on Thursday was very simple. It is the only service in our church that does NOT need to be conducted by a priest. Ken had been brought to our PJ house at around 9.30am on Thursday 11th Feb, beautifully dressed in his suit, and honestly looking like he was just sleeping. It was an "open" casket in the sense that the caskets wooden lid had been removed, but there was a glass pane, like a second, transparent cover, in place as well.

An amazing number of people turned up - many of them had also attended our wedding reception in May 1999, and I guess that brings it full circle for them, as far as Ken and I as a pair are concerned. I can just imagine Ken watching in amazement from "above" at all the people! People started arriving from around 9.30am onwards, some to stay till the service at 1pm, others to just simply pay their last respects to Ken, and then to head back to their various offices, tasks, etc. Ken's old and good friends from his Nortrans days in Singapore also turned up - Oskar, Kevin, Yves, Rya - all flew in from SG that morning, returning in the evening. Tony and Hwee Peng drove up from SG which was amazing, as Peng had just flown in from Shanghai, went straight to Tony's place, dumped her bags, and they both drove straight out to KL. Got 'slightly' lost, as they had never been to PJ before, but arrived in perfect time for the funeral service. Too many people turned up for me to name them all, but I have to mention (in no particular order) special friends (other than those already mentioned above) who have know both Ken and I for years, who are not from within my church: Jodi, Koshu, Bala, Gopal, Fay, Rini, Huy Ping, Mercy J, Mervyn, Anne S, Karen, Philip, Ruku, Sabariah, Khean Fatt (his wife, TT, had come to the house the night before), Shida, Shawn, Molly, Efy, Sianny, Adrian, Keen, Michael (who flew in from Penang specially!!), and so many others that I just cannot name them all.

Several lovely Christian songs were sung, then at 1pm, a short prayer was said by a friend of mine (also called Sheila), followed by the tribute/eulogy from my sister. My Dad then conducted a short funeral service, adapted from the much longer funeral service normally conducted, and this was then followed by another prayer by my cousin (Prasad). All this only took about 20 minutes. After that, Ken was taken into the hearse, and we all drove to the crematorium. Got there just before 2pm, and my cousin Malini (who was forever linked by Ken to the most amazing breakfast we had ever had in SG - at her brothers home in SG, organised and managed by her, several years ago), said the final prayers for Ken. The undertakers, at our request, lifted the glass lid off the casket, so that we could place flowers on Ken, and also so that I could give him a final goodbye kiss, after which they put back first the glass lid, and then the wooden one, and then took Ken into the incinerator room. I went into the incinerator room too, with my entire family (only missing my brothers 3 kids), to say my final goodbyes. It was such a heartache and I was crying so hard - my sister and I had our arms around each other, heads together, just weeping our eyes out. It was so so hard to say that final goodbye.

From there, everyone went their separate ways. My family headed back to their various homes - my parents, and my sis/hubby and 2 boys back to PJ; my bro/wife back to Melaka. Jodi had come with me, so we headed back to Mont'Kiara, with Tony/Peng following us there. We 4 had lunch there, then Jodi headed home, and Tony/Peng headed back to Singapore..... and I went back to my now empty, quiet home. No more Ken there :-(.

I hadn't had any sleep at all on Wednesday night - every time I tried to lie down and just go to sleep I would start crying, so I had just kept myself busy all night, so as NOT to cry. Thursday night though, I was able to get to sleep - I think the last few weeks of not getting enough sleep finally caught up with me. I spent some of Thursday trying to sort through Ken's clothes, sorting out what to give to my parents, brother, brother-in-law, charity, etc.

Friday afternoon I headed over to my parents place in PJ, in time for lunch. At 3pm the undertakers came by, to drop off the lovely onyx urn I had selected, now with Ken's ashes in them, as well as the t-shirt that the hospice nurse and I had dressed him in before they took him. I wanted that t-shirt back - it was the last thing he wore, and it was a "Ken" t-shirt, as it had a musical note on the breast pocket!! Also spent some time sorting out Ken's clothes that were at PJ. Later that afternoon another friend, Sally (whose husband has passed away just a few weeks earlier), dropped by for a few hours, and then another cousin (Philipose) dropped by in the evening and joined us for dinner. I stayed the night at PJ - and, like on Wednesday, found that when I tried to sleep, I just ended up crying instead. So I read for several hours, until I was really sleepy, then cried for an hour or so, and finally fell asleep probably around 5am. Was up by 7.30am though :-(... so, not enough sleep again!

Spent this morning out and about with my sister, her two boys, and my parents - first for breakfast, then went to get shoes for my Dad, then for lunch, then back to PJ again. From there, back home - so I am now in Hijauan, updating this blog, sorting out loads of medical supplies that I still have to give to the hospice, sorting out more of Ken's clothes, and, at 6.30pm, heading out to meet Efy and Sianny for dinner.

Still a lot of things to do - get his will probated, get his death certificate (my Dad will do that for me on Wednesday, after Chinese New Year is over), inform the British High Comm of his death, inform Malaysian immigration (so that his visa can be cancelled), inform his pension company, get our Malaysian bank accounts changed from joint to single accounts, go to Singapore to report his death to immigration there so they can cancel his PR, get the SG bank accounts changed from joint to single, and go the UK (middle of the year) to visit his family, and his best friend Kevin. In between, there will be several friends coming to stay, all to catch up on stories and to reminisce about Ken, end of Feb, mid-March, etc.

Once things are sorted, then I might even go back to work - after my trip to the UK.

For now, I will take things one step at a time, one day at a time, and let time work its (hopefully) healing magic on me, so that I can keep Ken in my heart forever, without the constant heartache that is my companion.

Till next time....