Trying to keep busy

My family and my friends, as always, have been absolutely amazing.

There seems to almost be a "plan" where, day by day, SOMEONE will call or visit or come for a meal or take me out for a meal or meet me for shopping or SOMETHING. It is like a small conspiracy to keep me from being alone too much. I mean, let me give you a brief summary of what has been happening since Ken's funeral.

- funeral, on 11th Feb
- 12th Feb: Was at my parents house from lunch onwards, spent the night
- 13th Feb: returned from parents house, had dinner with Efy and Sianny and they decided they would spend the night with me.
- 14th Feb: Was out for movie with my sister and her two boys in the afternoon
- 15th Feb: Sister made cinnamon rolls, so was at her house for tea
- 16th Feb: E&S came over in the afternoon, and my parents came and joined us for dinner!
- 17th Feb: Went for a pedicure in the morning with Jodi and Susha, then Adrian came for dinner and we sat talking till almost 11pm!
- 18th Feb: Met Koshu for lunch at Ms Read's Delicious in BV2
- 19th Feb: Jodi dropped by in the morning for a while, then I went to Gardens to meet the gang from Oracle for lunch, then to Beena's house for 5pm, and then to Malini's house for dinner
- 20th Feb: Brother and sis-in-law came to stay the night, the whole family came over, and we went out for dinner.
- 21st Feb: Breakfast with Bro/Sis-in-law, Jon/Jodi/Jake at J&Rs at Damansara. And Keen is coming over for dinner tonight with his girfriend!
- 22nd Feb (TOMORROW): Meeting some of the Oracle gang for breakfast at Bangsar, then lunch with the agent who organised the MM2H visa for Ken (need to cancel the visa now)

So, as you can see... I have been kept busy during the day, and quite often till fairly late in the evening. What does this mean really? Well, I guess it means that daytimes are pretty OK for me. I don't have a lot of time to sit and think - and if I do, I just read a book, or do Sudoku, or something, to keep my mind occupied. NIGHT TIME however, is rather difficult :-(. That, since the first night on my own, has been TOUGH! If I just lie down and try and sleep, it hits me really hard that Ken is not with me any more - that the space he used to occupy on my right, is now empty. There is nobody there any more. Oh man, that is so awful - that is when I start crying and sometimes cannot stop for a long long time. It really hits home that he is not with me anymore - that I cannot tell him the stories of what has happened during the day, or moan to him about crazy drivers, or tell him about the various emails or phone calls I receive - many of them asking about him. There is nobody to share things with anymore. My big teddy bear (Ready Teddy, that Ken had given me for my birthday in 2008), sits on the bed next to me, and he absorbs a lot of my tears, but my REAL teddy bear has gone.

So, what do I do? I read, I do sudoku. Until my eyes are so incredibly tired I cannot hold them open any more, then I will sleep - because then I can fall asleep almost immediately, without too much time to think. This usually happens around 3am, or 4am... and then I am awake again around 7am, though I don't necessarily get out of bed till 8am. So, yeah, I guess I am not getting a lot of sleep, but after one year of not getting enough sleep my body doesn't seem to need that much sleep anyway. Maybe one day it will catch up with me but, for now, I am managing on just 3 - 4 hours sleep a day.

I know life will not ever go back to "normal", or at least the "normal" that it was before Ken passed away... but I do also know that I will eventually get back on an even keel, that the hurt and the pain will be soothed at least so that it does not feel like being constantly stabbed with a sharp knife. Only God knows when that will happen.

Till then, one step at a time, one day at a time. And, to all of you out there, stay safe, stay HEALTHY!