Goodbye, my love. I will always love you.

For those who may not yet know, my dearly beloved Husband passed away today.

It had been such a difficult and painful time for him, full of suffering, full of pain, full of anguish, since February 7th 2009, the day we found out that his colon was blocked, and he needed an operation, and it was likely cancer. Since then he had been through hell, suffering through bed sores, chemo, intestinal infections, purging/puking, gastro paresis, difficulty in breathing, getting weaker and weaker, and less mobile and, worst of all, constantly increasing pain.

All this came to an end today.

He had been lying still all morning, trying to clear his throat of the phlegm build up. The nurses from the hospice (Jan, Idayu, and Azim) came at 1pm. First thing they did was help to lay him on his side, and bandage the beginnings of a bed sore on his right upper bum, and one on his right heel. Then they propped him up in a reclining position, helped to clean out his right eye, which was getting sore, washed out his mouth, wiped his face, and were preparing liquid meds to inject into him, as he was not able to swallow any of his pills. While Idayu and Azim were doing this, Jan and I sat in the room with him. I was sitting on his right side, holding his hand and just talking to him, telling him that I was with him.

At 2.20pm, he looked at Jan, and said to her, very very weakly, "Thank you, thank you", then he turned to me, and said "I love you", and closed his eyes and seemed to go to sleep. He drew a couple of deep, shuddering breaths, and then we could see the pulse in his throat getting slower and slower, and I just started crying and crying and could not stop. Jan called Idayu and Azim in, and when his pulse seemed to stop, I asked them to please see if he was still breathing, so they used their stethoscope to check, and confirmed he had stopped breathing. This was 2.30pm.

I could not stop crying for a while, but I called my Dad, and he immediately said he would come straight over from work. Idayu and Azim had to leave, as they had other patients to go to, and I passed them all of Husband's medications that he would not need again, as I figured it would come in useful for another patient. I also gave them Husband's miniature fridge, as I am sure there will be some ill soul who would be happy to have it.

My Dad turned up 20 minutes later, and he immediately told me not to worry about anything, he would see to it all - so he took Husband's passport, his medical reports, etc, and went to the police station to report his death and get a burial certificate. In the meantime my Mum turned up, then my dear friend Jodi, and they stayed with me. Jan left at 4.20pm, when Dr Sylvia from the hospice came to get her. Jodi had to leave a little while later. My sister then turned up - she had cancelled all her classes for the rest of the day, and taken emergency leave for tomorrow. My Dad came back with the burial certificate around 5pm, and then called the undertaker to come for Husband. They came less than an hour later, but since we wanted my brother and his wife and daughter, and my sisters husband and kids, to say their goodbyes to Husband first, we waited till they turned up, and everyone had the chance to say their goodbyes, before we finally allowed them to take Husband with them.

I gave them his jacket (the one he wore when we got married), trousers, shoes, shirt, tie, belt, socks. Selected a nice coffin, and urn for his ashes, and they confirmed that the appointment at the crematoria was scheduled for 2pm tomorrow.

My Dad organised a simple funeral service at our house in PJ, for tomorrow at 1pm, with my sister to say a little bit about my beloved Husband, and our friend to say the prayer for him. From there we go to the PJ crematoria, and we get to say our final goodbyes to a beautiful, beautiful man - my best friend, my dearest husband, the love of my life.

I managed to sms all our friends, my Dad and my sister also helped to pass the word around. My entire family came - only missing my #2 niece and my #1 nephew (my brothers 2 younger children) as they are in NZ. I do not know how I could have managed without their support - and it being my Mums birthday, we ordered home delivery dinner, to celebrate her birthday, and to celebrate Husbands life. My friends also called, sms'ed and dropped by - Jessie, Helen, TT, Fay, Kunjumon, Gigi, Herman, Liau, Val, Ida, Su, Ravi, thank you for finding the time to drop by.

I am not crying now, but it is going to be difficult to sleep without him by my side. I cannot believe that I will not see him again, and I do not know what it is going to be like to keep going without him near me day by day. This time I ask you to pray for me, that I have the strength to continue without him by my side.

But I know also, that I will always have him in my heart, and I will never forget him.

I love you Kenneth, and I will always love you. Please make sure that in our next lives we meet sooner, so that we may have more time together. Wait for me. Please. I love you.