One tiny (voluntary) step forward

OK, don't be tooooo taken in by the word "voluntary" in there :-p.

I was so upset with Husband yesterday, that he was making absolutely no effort to GET UP, to MOVE, to GET HIS ACT TOGETHER! He had completely given himself over to apathy and the stand that he had "NO ENERGY at all to get up". His best friend, Kevin L, called from the UK, and couldn't get any sense into him. His son, Jason, called from the UK too, and also couldn't get any sense into him. It was like he had given up completely :-(. My parents came over last night, with dinner for me (I had done a fresh chicken stew for Husband already), and they were both so upset as well. I think last night was the first time I have EVER cried in front of my parents. I just could not help it, it was just so painful to think of him lying there and not moving :-(

After I gave him his 11pm meds last night, I just could not go to bed, so I was in the living room, lights off, and had JUST fallen asleep, when Husband came looking for me, asking why I was out there and I told him honestly that I did not want to cry myself to sleep in bed next to him, I'ld rather be in the living room. He left me alone then, but, having been woken up, I just could not go back to sleep. I decided to read, but I didn't want to have the living room lights on all night, so went to the back guest bedroom and brought the floor standing lamp from there, placed it behind my recliner, and just sat and read until 5.30am. Then I just switched off the light, and sat and watched the sky lighten, until the alarm rang at 7am for Husbands first meds of the day.

Got him his meds, then got him up for breakfast 30 minutes later. After breakfast, he asked me "What's happening?" (meaning, why was I not talking to him, and why did I choose to spend the night in the living room), and, MAN, did the dam burst! I was in tears, could barely speak, but basically told him that I could not give him back his will to live - his will power has to overcome his "wont" power - and if he was going to continue like this - just lying there day after day without a fight, expecting "energy" to just 'flow back' into his body without him doing anything about it - then I might as well get used to not having anybody next to me when I sleep, cos he sure won't survive for long then! I went on and on in that vein, crying my eyes out and barely able to speak coherently, for a good 10 minutes. I WAS SO ANGRY, AND SO UPSET, AND just HURTING so much.. .and, Yes, I am crying now as I write this :-/

When I finally managed to stop myself, he said he was sure that in a few more days he would feel better, and I reminded him that he has been saying that for the last 8 months, and it has not happened yet - without HE HIMSELF getting up and doing something about it. After a little while he said "Would you do something for me? Would you come downstairs to the pool and spa island, and sit with me in the hot pool?"

OHMYGOODNESS!! That was the FIRST, the very FIRST, time HE has suggested that we do something. SO, OF COURSE, I SAID YES! He changed into swim-shorts (Yes, Kevin, these are the swim shorts you left behind for him in April, and they are TOO BIG for him now, so you can imagine how scrawny he is), and we went downstairs - very slow walk around half the pool and to the spa area, very careful walk to the hot/cold pools, and, finally, a good 10 minute sit down soak in the HOT pool, with the bubbles ON at full blast, using the bubbles to massage his arms and his back.

Slow walk back to the lift and back up, then he had to lie down and rest for 10 minutes to catch his breath before he could shower. This was then followed by a fresh bowl of rice porridge (with strips of shredded chicken in it) for his lunch, while I had left overs from the food that my parents had brought the night before. We both then just FELL ASLEEP :-).

He says he is tired, but a "good" tired, if you know what I mean, with muscles aching for the RIGHT reasons, not the wrong reasons. And he has agreed to go down again tomorrow, and the next day, and every day. We managed a total of 20 minutes today (that included the slow walk and the soak), and we will target for another 10 minutes later today, just to take a slow walk round the pool after the intensity of the sun has faded.... and then we shall repeat the whole process daily, slowly increasing the duration, until we are able to add in WALKING in the malls again as part of our exercise repertoire.

I hope Husbands WILL-power will continue to build and grow stronger and totally kick out his WONT-power. Please continue to pray for him, that he should get stronger, so that we can return to the "main" fight, against the cancer.

Till next time, stay safe, stay HEALTHY!

PS: What's with the monsoon season this year? It is HOT, there is no RAIN!