Dopey, and Sleepy

It feels like I have two of the seven dwarfs living here, both encapsulated in Husband's body :-(. Started yesterday late morning with 5ml of morphine. And, Yes, it is effective in controlling the pain, for just over 2 hours at that dosage. But it makes Husband extremely hallucinatory, light headed, twitchy, barely able to keep his eyes open. Last night was a living nightmare - Husband spent all night talking to people who were not there (well, not that I could see anyway), holding imaginary tools, fixing imaginary problems, conducting an imaginary orchestra, arms and legs constantly twitching. And I had to keep calming him down, trying to get him to relax, trying to get him to sleep. Not successful, though :-(.

This morning at 8.30am I started with the same 5ml dosage, but, for the next one, reduced it to 3ml, to see if it could still control the pain for 2 hours, and to see whether the side effects are any less. The answers: Yes, the pain is still under control for 2 hours, and Yes, the side effects are marginally less. Have now done two rounds at 3ml each, and the next round I am going to try for 2ml. I have to try and find the balance between pain control and NO hallucinations, if at all possible.

It is so so heartbreaking to see Husband like this. He is totally out of it, totally not "here" with me. At least before he would remember to sit up and drink from time to time... but now he is so "out of it" that he doesn't even remember to sit up, let alone drink. And getting him to eat and drink is still as difficult as ever!

Well, the doctor said that we have to take at least 1 week to let him get used to the opiate... so I have to continue fine tuning to find the right balance and just pray that I CAN. I cannot bear to see Husband like this - I've been in tears pretty much the whole morning, and it is just so devastating to see my beautiful and wonderful Husband like this.

Please keep on praying that I will find the right dosage for Husband that will work well to suppress the pain, and yet allow him to function perfectly normally. Because if this doesn't work, we may have to go for the final option of inserting a cannula into the spine.

Please continue to keep Husband in your thoughts and prayers, and me that I have the strength to keep going for his sake.

Till next time, stay safe, stay HEALTHY!